When you think of midlife crises, you think of old dudes and sports cars, divorcing their wives hoping for a younger model (which they seldom get, just saying). You don’t think of a mid-twenties (hey, I’m holding onto mid twenties as long as I can!) girl, well-educated, with a decent job and a husband who loves her. You just…don’t.
But I can’t escape the anxiety that this is all there is. And that’s terrifying to me. I expected that getting married would mean my life was figured out, that I was done. I just never really expected what that would mean. I love my husband…I just don’t want what inevitably comes next: children. I have a decent job–at least money-wise–that I nevertheless despise. I’m getting another Masters degree, because dammit I need more options, more opportunities. But what if this is just all there is?
That thought is terrifying. My life is now mapped: wedding, kids, PTA, soccer, retirement, death. IT IS MY NIGHTMARE. My whole life has been about rolling with the punches, taking every opportunity that’s come up, living a life that’ll make my grandchildren jealous. My life was a movie until two years ago, when I met a man who I knew within three weeks of meeting I would marry. My life has been planned ever since, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t tell my husband, he’ll think I’m unhappy with our marriage, I can’t just take off and abandon our home. I’m stuck.
The more I finally allow myself to realize just how stuck I am, the quicker the waves of anxiety wash over me, but never really ebb. I’m trapped. I’m trapped by my love for a man who I want to spend my life with, and I’m trapped working a terrible job in order to pay off student loans that I shouldn’t even have (thanks, TFA), and I’m stuck with a future I never wanted. These types of issues can’t be fixed by a new sports car, or running off to Brazil with a male model. Somewhere along the way I have to grin and bear it, and maybe, just maybe, this mapped out future won’t be all there is.
Until then, I’m going to go back to being the happy wife with the good job, nice car, and adorable fur babies. FML.